A Raging Asshole’s Guide To Divorce

Note: This article is intended as a work of satire, and in no way should be construed as practical legal advice. Please proceed accordingly.

Here’s the deal: If you happen to find yourself getting divorced, you’ve got to do everything you possibly can to ensure you get what you want out of it. It’s critical to completely disregard the needs, desires, and hopes of everyone else involved and focus solely on your own self interests.

It may be hard at first, and a lot of people will tell you not to do things that way. They’ll tell you to be patient, cordial, understanding, and a bunch of other useless adjectives that will ultimately benefit people that aren’t you.

But there are some simple, practical tips you can follow that will help you rise above the calls for humanity and compassion and allow you to narrowly focus your attention on getting your way and profiting from the anger and misery of those around you.
 

One: Hide Everything

If you’ve got a lot of money, property, investments, and other valuable assets, hide them. Even if your spouse knows about them, hide them anyway and pretend they never existed in the first place. Honesty is not the best policy in a divorce.

In the highly unlikely event that all the lawyers, court officials, and investigators hired to ascertain your net worth make any real effort to do so, they’ll quickly give up. If evidence of your wealth is somehow discovered, it’s best to play dumb and blame your accountant, stockbroker, or the family pet.
 

Two: Hire An “Attack Dog” Attorney

Selfishly catering to your own needs is exhausting work. It can also be challenging to maintain a relentlessly hostile and intimidating persona over the months and (most likely) years that your divorce process will take. The solution? Hire an attorney to offload some of that burden for you.

By hiring a vicious, hostile attorney to act on your behalf, you can rest assured that your spouse and the court will be constantly reminded of your commitment to winning at all costs. Any attorney that suggests a more respectful, accommodating path should be avoided. Leave them a bad Yelp review if you have the time.
 

Three: Insult The Judge Or Mediator

Early in the process, it’s critical to let the judge or mediator know that you won’t put up with any shenanigans from them. Question every decision, ruling, piece of advice, and other official pronouncement that they provide. Never acquiesce, always contest–that’s the mantra to live by the whole way through.

Remember: your divorce is about you and nobody else. If you don’t regularly challenge the people running the show, they’re very likely to undermine your position. Think of how professional athletes and coaches treat game officials that make a bad call–that should be your baseline.
 

Four: Ignore Court Orders

During and after your divorce, it’s very likely that a judge will instruct you to do (or not do) certain things. These may be things like not calling your spouse, disclosing financial data or documents, and other personal and professional objectives.

What the court doesn’t tell you is that these “orders”, while looking and sounding very official, are more like suggestions that actual rules. You can safely ignore anything a judge orders you to do without fear of any serious consequences.
 

Five: Don’t Show Up

Listen, you’re a busy person with a full plate already. Most of us are. The whole point of getting a divorce is to not have to deal with your spouse anymore, right? So why on Earth should you spend one more second dealing with them than you have to?

Once you’ve hired your ninja assassin attorney, you’re done. Let your lawyer handle all the complicated bits, and show the court you’ve got more important things to worry about than some farcical attempt to compel you to give away your hard-earned assets.
 

Nothing To Lose

So, with all that said, what are you waiting for? By following each of these tips to the letter, you will ensure with one-hundred percent certainty that you will never see your spouse (and children, if you have them) again.

You won’t have anything to lose either, because while your righteous indignation and complete lack of decency will remain completely intact, those will be the only things you will posses at the end of the proceedings.